One night, Dracula wakes up thirsty for blood but also, he’s horny as hell. He hypnotizes Mike Waters, a newspaperman or lawyer or something (who looks vaguely like Wayne Newton), enslaves him, and then turns the guy into Irving Jackalman, a werewolf or werejackal. Dracula then commands Irving to bring him some lovely ladies so that he can rape them and then drink blood from their boobs. Along the way, Irving kills a few of the ladies he was supposed to bring to Dracula, but not until after he rapes them. Eventually, Dracula and Irving have a disagreement.

Director William Edwards let out a long, sustained fart one day, filmed it, and called it Dracula (the Dirty Old Man) (1969). Forget the Manson Family, this is what really killed the Summer of Love. This gross and dorky sex comedy/horror film punishes would be viewers for their curiosity and feels at least twice as long as it’s meager 65-minute running time. The style of humor in this one is less laugh out loud style and more “Oh, those were jokes?” style. The overall vibe of the film is weird and inhuman, which is normally something that I enjoy.

For some reason, the original audio for this film was scrapped and then dubbed later. We do get a taste of what the live sound is like in one scene, so when I say, “some reason”, I actually mean that the original audio probably “sounded like complete dog ass”. Because life is cruel and ultimately meaningless, the dubbed audio was done by a terminally lame jackass doing most of the characters’ voices himself. His childishly not at all humorous riffing is profoundly unfunny, idiotic, and “so bad that it’s just really bad” embarrassing.

I am familiar with the subtext of what Dracula and the Wolfman are doing when they attack a victim. Now, it’s totally cool to make that subtext into text in a movie, but did the filmmakers have to go quite this rapey with it? And one of my biggest cinematic pet peeves is if a film has a rape scene in it where the victim starts to enjoy the assault. That has always been a huge red flag for me and I always assume that the people behind the camera are complete assholes. Does that happen in this film? Yes, pretty much every scene with a woman in it ends this way.

I rank this among one of the single worst things I’ve ever seen, and it’s not for its budgetary limitations or its quirky post-production. No, Dracula (the Dirty Old Man) is a black hole of charm, entertainment value, and comedy. The only positive thing I can say about this is that the ladies in it are beautiful. As to how and why this stain of a horror film got made? I’m guessing someone needed to launder some ill-gotten cash and they needed to it in a big hurry. I rarely want to headbutt a movie, but this drivel needs a good thrashing. Avoid at all costs. I can already hear the contrarian comments coming like, “Oh man, I can’t wait to see this one now!” Fine. Go for it. I wish you all the best.

On this release from AGFA and Vinegar Syndrome, there are two versions of Dracula (the Dirty Old Man). One is a symphony of scratches and print damage, but very watchable. The other version looks a little less beat up but is an SD rip of the old Something Weird DVD. The sound on both is dreadful (the fault of the source material, I imagine), so be sure to turn on those subtitles. It’s 4 minutes longer and I literally couldn’t tell the difference between the two versions.

The best things on the disc are the commentary track, a bonus feature called Tales of a Salesman (1965), and the reel of horror trailers. Skip the main feature and watch those. Tales of a Salesman is a pervy little screwball comedy where a doofus salesman has sexy adventures with supernatural results. The commentary track comes from film historians Melinda Belles and Dennis Campa. I should have just listened to their spirited discussion and looked away from my TV.