Millionaire Cyrus Kriticos (F. Murray Abraham) is obsessed with the afterlife. He has alienated his family and friends -though it’s doubtful that he had any friends because he’s such a dickbagel- and has supposedly squandered his fortune hunting and capturing ghosts. He has enlisted the help of psychic medium Dennis Rafkin (Matthew Lillard) to help him capture his 12th ghost. Armed with special glasses that allow the wearer to see apparitions and special glass containment cells, the plan is all set. But then everything goes haywire when the ghost turns out to be a notorious murderer named Breaker Mahoney AKA The Juggernaut (John DeSantis), now haunting a junkyard with hilariously precarious stacks of dilapidated cars. Breaker slaughters Kriticos’s security team and the mad millionaire himself. Good teamwork, y’all!
Later, Kriticos’s sleazy lawyer (JR Bourne) approaches Cyrus’s recently widowed nephew Arthur (Tony Shalhoub) to let him know that he’s inherited what’s left of the Kriticos estate. Down and out Arthur and fam are excited as all heck to inherit his uncle’s unusual mansion made entirely of glass (and some metal but also knickknacks). But what Arthur and his family quickly discover is that Cyrus, the black sheep of the family, has built a really ugly house with like zero curb appeal. Oh, and all of the murderous ghosts he captured in life are now inhabiting the mansion’s also unsightly basement. And just who is the thirteenth ghost?
After a string of horror hits such as Macabre (1958), House on Haunted Hill (1959), and The Tingler (1959), producer/director William Castle gave the world 13 Ghosts (1960) to usher in a new decade with his trademark gimmick-infused fun. Instead of offering insurance to ticket purchasers if his film scared them to death, a skeleton flying over the heads of theater patrons, or vibrating seats, the gimmick in 13 Ghosts was a special ghost viewer (a piece of cardboard with a pair of red and blue plastic lenses). The viewer was supposed to make the ghosts, invisible to the characters in the film, terrifyingly real to the audience. According to reviews at the time, the viewers sort of, kind of worked.
Over forty years later, Dark Castle Entertainment remade 13 Ghosts for audiences in 2001. Their success in remaking House on Haunted Hill (after doubling its 19-million-dollar budget) in 1999, inspired them to update another one of Castle’s films with an even bigger budget. Making his feature film directorial debut, Steven Beck cranks up the volume up to 11 and dares the audience to stare into a strobe light for 90 minutes with this 42-million-dollar insanity. With impressive sets, some cool ghouls, a talented cast, and fantastic camerawork by Gale Tattersall (Tank Girl, Virtuosity), Thirteen (spelled “Thir13en”) Ghosts is quite a spectacle. Instead of a cool ghost viewer, this time the audience got to take home their torn movie stubs. Talk about an upgrade!
Hot off her success as Nadia, the Czechoslovakian exchange student, in those truly nightmare-inducing horrors known as the American Pie movies, Shannon Elizabeth plays Kathy Kriticos, Arthur’s happy-go-lucky daughter. Rapper Rah Digga plays Maggie, the least responsible nanny of all time to Arthur’s precocious and death-obsessed kid, Bobby (Alec Roberts). F. Murray Abraham and Tony Shalhoub are a joy to watch, as usual. And if you like Matthew Lillard (as I do), boy oh boy, are you in for a treat. He actually had his name legally changed to Maximum Lillard just for this movie.
The filmmakers behind Thir13een Ghosts went all “go big or go home” on this film and no one went home, because they were all still having seizures in the theaters (maybe). Style peepees all over the grave of substance in a long steady stream of Surge (or Mountain Dew). But that’s okay because it does what a good remake should do which is go completely bonkers with a tiny serving of the source material like the lettuce on a triple bacon cheeseburger. The tour de force special effects and the amazing sets are so ludicrously elaborate that it’s a miracle this thing made money. What I can’t stand about this film is the wild, in-your-face, literally flashing, and sped up editing style by Derek Brechin (Stargate) and Edward A. Warschilka (Big Trouble in Little China). Guys, you had me at murderous ghosts, just chill.
The Scream Factory Blu-ray looks unbelievable, like it was filmed yesterday. We get interviews with Shannon Elizabeth, who never ages and is as enthusiastic as ever, sharing stories as to what it was like to work on the film. Matthew Harrison (Romeo is Bleeding) is also on hand to discuss his character (who doesn’t survive the opening sequence). The subwoofer of your speakers will be tested with the impossibly deep voice of John DeSantis discusses his character and the grueling makeup process. Herbert Duncanson talks about landing his role as George Markley AKA The Hammer (a vengeful slave from beyond the grave), getting into his character, and the wild prosthetic makeup. Producer Gilbert Adler (Tales from the Crypt) has his own featurette where he talks about working with director Beck on the production. But that’s not all, this Blu has ported over a whole mess of special features from the old Warner Brothers DVD so this thing will keep you busy for hours. There’s also TV spots and a theatrical trailer.
Director – Steve Beck
Cast – Tony Shalhoub, F. Murray Abraham, Shannon Elizabeth, Matthew Lillard, Rah Digga
Country of Origin – USA
Reviewer – Richard Glenn Schmidt